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Mathew Steel

One Year Later

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EDIT: I'm aware this topic isn't exactly a light one, nor is it at all positive. I don't post these things often, but I really am reaching out for some sort of response. Thank you, everyone.

 

 

As many of you know, last year I lost a friend of mine. Today marks one year since that event. This post isn't me spewing out all my thoughts and emotions, I just want to know if I'm in the wrong here.

 

As is expected, with this being exactly a year since he passed, people have posted pictures and statuses, sharing their condolences and showing their respects. Now, I'm totally fine with this. People who knew him but weren't exactly close to him posted "Rest in peace" and different variations of that. To me, that's simply showing their respect. People who were closer to him posted pictures and added a fair sized paragraph with it explaining how they miss him and sharing small memories. Again, I'm completely okay with this.

 

My issue, is that many people who knew him only around school, but never actually bothered with him or even communicated with him have been posting pictures with huge, over-emotional paragraphs. One of these included the line, and I quote - "I miss you so much more each and every day". This angered me as I see it as nothing more than an attempt to come across as a "morally sound" individual, or to simply better their reputation. It made me feel like my friend's death was being taken advantage of for personal gain. In response, I tweeted a few, perhaps strongly worded, things, expressing my anger and dismay at these individuals. I didn't name anyone. I also pointed out that these tweets were not aimed at everyone.

 

I received mostly positive responses to these tweets, where friends of mine were agreeing with me. Despite that, a few other people, messaged me telling me these posts were horrible, and that if someone wants to post it, they have every right to, and that my opinion is not needed. This led to an argument, and with me eventually ending the argument by simply stating I don't have the energy to go around in circles anymore.

 

I still stand by my thoughts and tweets, but I do want to know if maybe I am in the wrong for what I've said, and how I've perceived this all. Please don't be hesitant with your replies in fear that they may upset me. I'm mature enough to know that anything said here is not meant to cause offence. I want the truth from your personal views. It may not change much, but at least I'll have an answer.

Edited by Mathew Steel

"Gofyn wyf am galon hapus, calon onest, calon l?n."

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Mathew, I just saw this and since you asked I thought I put down a few thoughts that just spontaneously come to my mind.

 

First of alll, let me say sorry for your loss. I had been aware that there was some serious incident in your life in the past, but never actually realized that a close friend of your's had died. Perhaps you said it and I was just not sensitive enough to pick it up at the time.

 

 

Then, from what you describe, I do not think you are in the wrong.

I can see how it angers you, if someone expresses "strong emotions" and you know that he did not really know or care for your friend in his lifetime. Quite possibly those people are just doing what they think is expected of them to do and they do it more for themselves than anything else. And you are quite right to criticize that (in the mature and level-headed manner that we have come to know of you).

 

 

Still, there is a chance that you are doing wrong on someone. Who are we to look into peoples heads or hearts? Someone may have been close to your friend without you (or anyone) noticing. He (or she) may have been hurt by what you have said. I think it is unlikely, but it is not impossible. But even if that has been the case, there is nothing you could have done to help it. Sometimes we just step on other people's toes without knowing and without beeing able to avoid it. These things just happen.

 

 

In the end, I think you did the right thing (again) to step out of an argument that is going round in circles. I usually do it pretty quickly, when I realize that the thing is not going anywhere. Our lives are just to short to spend time arguing for arguing's sake. And in the end, everyone will be happy that a fruitless discussion is over and we are getting on with our lives. And the wounds that were made will heal.

 

 

Not sure if these thoughts are helpful (and sorry if I sounded like preaching). Just a few things that spontaneously came to my mind when I read you post.

Edited by Nigel

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Genuinely, that is really helpful, Nigel. Thank you for your very kind words. You're right, it's certainly possible that someone could've taken what I said to be about them, even if it was not my intention. As well, I definitely don't know for sure what someone is thinking. However, I do feel quite strongly that the person in question is not doing what they did with heart, but instead for appearing as morally correct, or even to improve their reputation.

 

Again, I do genuinely appreciate your input. I didn't consider some of the things you pointed out, but I'm glad you've given me the chance to do so. Thank you!


"Gofyn wyf am galon hapus, calon onest, calon l?n."

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Sorry I hadn't noticed this sooner. Anniversaries can be tough. I lost a close family member a little over a month ago, so I can sympathize.

 

Because of the nature of my relationship with this person, there wan't anything "left to do" but I imagine you and quite a few of this person's true friends have felt like there were a whole lot of should've, could've, would've's. This is especially tough; I've lost two family members in the past who I felt this way about, but I later realized that I showed my love for these people by being their friends while they were healthy, and by helping to take care of them when they got sick. I don't mean to "excuse" the behavior of anyone on social media who is acting it up, but it's possible a couple of them genuinely wish they could have been nicer to this person while he/she was alive. At the same time, it is too late to stop "pretending" when someone has joined their ancestors.

 

On the other hand, with my recent loss and one of the previous ones (both men were fatherly types to me) I also noticed a lot of "drama" from the same group, in both situations, of (perhaps coincidentally) females in the family. I know this "group" has members which have taken advantage of other people's misery in and outside the family, trying to get money and "sympathy" but move on when they realize the well has run dry. It really sucks, but there will always be people like this who weren't even friendly (or were outright nasty) to the person in life, who'll try to hog attention. The ones who do this are (if related) interested in money, or are really narcissistic and are very insecure about how others think of them - thus they must be given the most sympathy by pretending to hold the most grief.

 

I am truly sorry that you have to deal with this, but I wouldn't take it personally. The narcissistic types will always try to manipulate emotion - they are conscious of the existence of emotion in other people, but don't always know (and never care) about how individuals feel. NPD ("narcissistic personality disorder") has recently come into light as a separate condition from psychopathy and sociopathy, but psychologists are typically poor at diagnosing it - what with modern civilized culture the way it is, there's a lot of undiagnosed narcs, with estimates reaching up to 20% of the population with this condition, and another estimated 20% who are just the opposite ("empaths" who are supersensitive to other people's emotions and very caring).

 

TL;DR - because of science, some people are just jerks. Cherish your memories of your friend, because only you and he/she know about the good times you had.


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